love letter

this past weekend, ian replaced my kitchen faucett and set up the swingset that laura found for me.
today, after a horrible morning of dropping wesley off at preschool in tears because he wanted to be with his mommy, zen picked him up early and had some special one on one time with him (my little boy is having a hard time and having zen in town is wonderful).
last night, brittany called me after getting home from the trail to share a very personal experience with me that gave me strength.
this past friday, after having a a little bit of a nervous breakdown on the phone with erin (who lives in idaho) at around 5, she and rick put their family in the car around 9 and made it to kansas the next day by dinner. 

how can i think i am not blessed?

my best friends and biggest supporters are my brothers and sisters.  i am grateful every day that family is forever.

i love you guys.

bloody, but unbowed

in less than a week, i move back to my house in lawrence...not quite the circumstances i imagined returning under.
i feel a little bloody.  maybe a few battle scars.
but instead of walking into the darkness (the Lord always gave me a place to put my feet), there's some light.
i'm excited.
it's terrifyingly wonderful.

rainbows

In the last few months, I have tried to encourage Wesley to pray when he feels sad, scared, happy, or if there is something he needs help with.  He’s had some pretty awesome experiences with having prayers answered.

This morning, Wesley and I had been talking about his class trip to the zoo and how it might be canceled due to the rain.  We sat down to do his nebulizer, and (with the nebulizer on his face and no prompting from me) he folded his arms and said a quick prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please take the rain high into the sky so it doesn’t rain at the zoo today.

Say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I asked him if he thought Heavenly Father would keep the rain from coming while he was at the zoo, he said yes.  We talked a little bit more about it, and he got quiet.

Then again, through the nebulizer, with his arms folded, comes this:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please send me a little brother to play with.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I asked him to tell me what he prayed about.

He said he couldn’t because it was a secret.

So bittersweet.

Bitter because I understand the ramifications of his request.  Bitter because I would love for him to grow up with a brother, lots of brothers, and sisters too.  Bitter because he has to deal with consequences that are not from his actions.

Sweet because it gave me a glimpse of the faith of a little child.  Sweet because his secret prayer reminded me to have faith in miracles and to have hope in the future. 

It is funny, even as I write this, as it is pouring rain, I am thinking about how to talk to Wesley if his Zoo trip gets rained out. 

I think I have a lot to learn from my 4 year old.    


*****postscript*****

Just a few sprinkles at the zoo today.  Yep.

hero training

wesley's 4th birthday party was all about superheroes.  we asked all the kids to come in costume and it was AWESOME!
a short timeline:
on arrival, every kid got a bag with markers and mask making supplies and were directed to the mask making table.  after masks were made everyone was herded outside for the superhero obstacle course.  each kid put on clark kent clothes (blazer and glasses).  they had to run into the phonebooth, change into a superhero and run out.  next was the tunnel, then the trampoline, then they had to throw bean bags at the joker to retrieve the kryptonite, then down the slide for a sweet finish.
after the obstacle course each kid was awarded a certificate of hero status and a superman ring.
then came cupcakes and presents, and THEN came the balloon girl!  the balloon girl was arguably the most popular event of the day for kids and parents.  kylie rocked the party, thanks balloon girl!
some photos of the chaos (thank you chelsea for the photos, for the birthday banner, the weights, and for being awesome in general!):

and a few more of my newly minted 4 year old (who has asked repeatedly in the succeeding days if he is still 4):

and what we did after the party: legos!!

i dreamed you

wesley had a birthday this past week.  i wonder if birthdays get easier for moms?  like maybe when they get into school or after they turn 18.  or maybe the more kids you have the less intense the birthday feels?  i don't know.  i do know that this birthday week was an emotional one for me. 
the night before his birthday, i told wesley that before he was born i prayed every night that Heavenly Father would send him to me. i told him that i prayed and i prayed, and i prayed for him.  then one day i found out that Heavenly Father was going to send him to me and i was so excited to be his mommy!  i bought his clothes, and blankets, and toys and got ready for him to come.  and when he was born, i held him, and kissed him, and snuggled him, and never put him down because i was so happy that he was my little boy.  and then I told wesley that he was the baby i prayed for, and i was so happy that i could be his mommy, and that i would be his mommy forever.
it's a true story.

i am so blessed to have my little boy.  happy birthday wesley.

Desperate!

for these gorgeous honeycomb shelves.

attn ian and laura:  please draw my name for christmas this year and make me these shelves!

this is only a test.

have you ever been doing something completely mundane and all of the sudden you get filled up?  not like you ate too much, but full in your chest, so you can’t really breathe, but in a good way? 

today I took a package down to the carwash (beautiful warm spring day!), turned out it needed to stay in the office, so I turned around to walk back up.  halfway up the drive I just felt…good.  joy.  full of joy?  is it crazy to say that all of the sudden I just felt awesome and happy and that life is good?

it happened a couple of weeks ago too.  this time I was driving into Lawrence.  Wesley was asleep in the backseat, wilco was on the ipod, and it was snowing.  like, really snowing.  big, huge flakes.  I drove under the bridge in east lawrence, and as I came out everything went to slow motion, and I felt it.  just, full of joy.  it was like someone had pushed pause and everything was ok, better than ok. 

before that, it happened once before (that I remember).  I was working in the office, mopping the floor actually, and there was music playing, something pandora.  all of the sudden, I was just happy.  I felt so good, like I could do or be anything, and that life was wonderful.

for a long time in my life I think I forgot to be happy.  and now I’m being jump-started.

I like it.