i'm a pheonix, baby.

at some point in everyone’s life they realize that the life they’ve been given and the life they thought they’d get don’t match up.  it’s a turning point.  from there on out, you either bemoan your fate or you dust yourself off, count your blessings, and rise from the ashes.

the paths lead to radically different outcomes in your thoughts, actions, relationships…everything.

as I have faced this turning point in my life (and am still grappling with it), I feel blessed that after seriously contemplating door number 1, that I am gradually prying open door number 2.  even though I am just peeking around the door, I have already had many reassurances that the future will be a bright one, and I am readying myself for the plunge. 

part of this process is coming up with a new plan for my life.  if I can’t have control over the future, ie being able to ensure that it turn out exactly how I want, then what can I do?  that is the million dollar question I have been contemplating, and on my 3 hour drive home from wichita on sunday, I think I found my answer:

live simply & be obedient

I can control how I live.  I make choices about how much money to spend: what I eat, how I am entertained, clothes, furniture, etc.  I’ve always been excited to be a bargain shopper, enjoyed garage sales, and have never had a problem picking things up off the curb…but.  I still had an expectation of what a “grown-up” life should/would look like-   an expectation that I have unexpectedly struggled letting go of.  now that I face (perhaps) a lifetime of single parenthood which necessitates full time work and childcare, I want to make my money count even more than I did before.  I can accept that I have to work, even appreciate that I will be able to show my son the value of hard work, but I also want to show my darling that money and things are not what life is about.  when I get off work I don’t want our family activity to be spending money at Target, I want it to be fun at the park or baking bread together or repainting the dresser we are fixing up (fix it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without).  I want to my son to know that I think about what I spend our money on, that a nice camera is an investment in recording our moments together and other things (not going to go there!) are a waste, at least for us.  I think about living in our little fixer upper house and being happy, not because we have the most awesome house, but that we have what we need to meet our needs.  I like to think that a little house with a little garden, a dog, and friends to bbq with are all I really need.  of course, all I really need is Wesley and the means to support him.  anything else is gravy.

I can control my choices.  I can choose every day if I will do the things that I know will bring my sweet son and I happiness or I can take the easy way out.  sometimes I take the easy way out.  I’m not perfect, but I know that I need to be perfect for the little boy who watches and learns from everything I do.  and this isn’t “being hard on myself.”  I have goodly parents who set the example for me, who undoubtedly sacrificed and made choices based on what they were teaching their children.  I can do that too.  I can be obedient.  even when it is hard or inconvenient.  I can do it.  and I will be blessed.  but more importantly, wesley will learn, and he will be blessed.

it’s nice to have a plan again.