love letter

this past weekend, ian replaced my kitchen faucett and set up the swingset that laura found for me.
today, after a horrible morning of dropping wesley off at preschool in tears because he wanted to be with his mommy, zen picked him up early and had some special one on one time with him (my little boy is having a hard time and having zen in town is wonderful).
last night, brittany called me after getting home from the trail to share a very personal experience with me that gave me strength.
this past friday, after having a a little bit of a nervous breakdown on the phone with erin (who lives in idaho) at around 5, she and rick put their family in the car around 9 and made it to kansas the next day by dinner. 

how can i think i am not blessed?

my best friends and biggest supporters are my brothers and sisters.  i am grateful every day that family is forever.

i love you guys.

bloody, but unbowed

in less than a week, i move back to my house in lawrence...not quite the circumstances i imagined returning under.
i feel a little bloody.  maybe a few battle scars.
but instead of walking into the darkness (the Lord always gave me a place to put my feet), there's some light.
i'm excited.
it's terrifyingly wonderful.

rainbows

In the last few months, I have tried to encourage Wesley to pray when he feels sad, scared, happy, or if there is something he needs help with.  He’s had some pretty awesome experiences with having prayers answered.

This morning, Wesley and I had been talking about his class trip to the zoo and how it might be canceled due to the rain.  We sat down to do his nebulizer, and (with the nebulizer on his face and no prompting from me) he folded his arms and said a quick prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please take the rain high into the sky so it doesn’t rain at the zoo today.

Say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I asked him if he thought Heavenly Father would keep the rain from coming while he was at the zoo, he said yes.  We talked a little bit more about it, and he got quiet.

Then again, through the nebulizer, with his arms folded, comes this:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please send me a little brother to play with.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I asked him to tell me what he prayed about.

He said he couldn’t because it was a secret.

So bittersweet.

Bitter because I understand the ramifications of his request.  Bitter because I would love for him to grow up with a brother, lots of brothers, and sisters too.  Bitter because he has to deal with consequences that are not from his actions.

Sweet because it gave me a glimpse of the faith of a little child.  Sweet because his secret prayer reminded me to have faith in miracles and to have hope in the future. 

It is funny, even as I write this, as it is pouring rain, I am thinking about how to talk to Wesley if his Zoo trip gets rained out. 

I think I have a lot to learn from my 4 year old.    


*****postscript*****

Just a few sprinkles at the zoo today.  Yep.

hero training

wesley's 4th birthday party was all about superheroes.  we asked all the kids to come in costume and it was AWESOME!
a short timeline:
on arrival, every kid got a bag with markers and mask making supplies and were directed to the mask making table.  after masks were made everyone was herded outside for the superhero obstacle course.  each kid put on clark kent clothes (blazer and glasses).  they had to run into the phonebooth, change into a superhero and run out.  next was the tunnel, then the trampoline, then they had to throw bean bags at the joker to retrieve the kryptonite, then down the slide for a sweet finish.
after the obstacle course each kid was awarded a certificate of hero status and a superman ring.
then came cupcakes and presents, and THEN came the balloon girl!  the balloon girl was arguably the most popular event of the day for kids and parents.  kylie rocked the party, thanks balloon girl!
some photos of the chaos (thank you chelsea for the photos, for the birthday banner, the weights, and for being awesome in general!):

and a few more of my newly minted 4 year old (who has asked repeatedly in the succeeding days if he is still 4):

and what we did after the party: legos!!

i dreamed you

wesley had a birthday this past week.  i wonder if birthdays get easier for moms?  like maybe when they get into school or after they turn 18.  or maybe the more kids you have the less intense the birthday feels?  i don't know.  i do know that this birthday week was an emotional one for me. 
the night before his birthday, i told wesley that before he was born i prayed every night that Heavenly Father would send him to me. i told him that i prayed and i prayed, and i prayed for him.  then one day i found out that Heavenly Father was going to send him to me and i was so excited to be his mommy!  i bought his clothes, and blankets, and toys and got ready for him to come.  and when he was born, i held him, and kissed him, and snuggled him, and never put him down because i was so happy that he was my little boy.  and then I told wesley that he was the baby i prayed for, and i was so happy that i could be his mommy, and that i would be his mommy forever.
it's a true story.

i am so blessed to have my little boy.  happy birthday wesley.

Desperate!

for these gorgeous honeycomb shelves.

attn ian and laura:  please draw my name for christmas this year and make me these shelves!

this is only a test.

have you ever been doing something completely mundane and all of the sudden you get filled up?  not like you ate too much, but full in your chest, so you can’t really breathe, but in a good way? 

today I took a package down to the carwash (beautiful warm spring day!), turned out it needed to stay in the office, so I turned around to walk back up.  halfway up the drive I just felt…good.  joy.  full of joy?  is it crazy to say that all of the sudden I just felt awesome and happy and that life is good?

it happened a couple of weeks ago too.  this time I was driving into Lawrence.  Wesley was asleep in the backseat, wilco was on the ipod, and it was snowing.  like, really snowing.  big, huge flakes.  I drove under the bridge in east lawrence, and as I came out everything went to slow motion, and I felt it.  just, full of joy.  it was like someone had pushed pause and everything was ok, better than ok. 

before that, it happened once before (that I remember).  I was working in the office, mopping the floor actually, and there was music playing, something pandora.  all of the sudden, I was just happy.  I felt so good, like I could do or be anything, and that life was wonderful.

for a long time in my life I think I forgot to be happy.  and now I’m being jump-started.

I like it.

two letters

dear target:
thank you for your design inspiration. 
i like it when i don't have to pay for things.
brooke

unfortunately my craft projects would probably be a little cuter if i paid more attention to exactly what i was doing.  at least i caught that the G and H were mixed up before i glued them on.

erin made one too, i think it's awesome that hers is completely different and what that says about our personalities.  we're very similar but she's a lot more fun :)   here is Erin's version.

i've also been working on a little present for baby murray.  this little present has taken longer and made me crazier than just about anything i have ever done, and it is nothing.  like, it is just this cute little project that i did because it is something that wesley would like...and i should have just made a baby quilt because that would have been easier.  seriously i made and remade parts of this, i ran out of the fabric i wanted to use...it has been awful.  (see above where i said i should pay more attention to the details)

dear ashley:
i was very excited about this little project for baby murray.  i was going to use cute fabrics and different stuffings and baby murray would love it and older murray would love it and then i started the project.  and nothing worked out the way it was supposed to.  so when i see you on thursday, please know that lots of love and hair pulling and remaking went into this little project.  and for your next baby when i think of something that i think will be really cute, i will find a tutorial or a pattern or something that tells me what to do so that i don't screw it up.
i hope you like it anyway.
brooke

Preschool rocks!

Wesley’s cute little preschool had spirit week over spring break (an official spring break for both of us would have been better).  amid the questionable activities (movie day?  really?)  there were some cute ones, including Silly Hair Day. it was about what you would expect:  kids with spray painted hair, mohawks, braids with cute colors.  but Wesley and I, we like to take things up a notch.  it’s what we do.  so Wesley went as Joe Dirt.  unfortunately, no one at preschool seemed to know about Joe Dirt (lets be honest, Wesley didn’t either.  this was all about me.).  I even tried to make a joke to one of the teachers about it and she smiled cluelessly.

so here are some pictures in the hopes that someone who reads this (erin & brittany) will think it’s hilarious and I will be vindicated in my efforts.

and the side view:

just now i regret that i didn't take a rocking out view.

i'm a pheonix, baby.

at some point in everyone’s life they realize that the life they’ve been given and the life they thought they’d get don’t match up.  it’s a turning point.  from there on out, you either bemoan your fate or you dust yourself off, count your blessings, and rise from the ashes.

the paths lead to radically different outcomes in your thoughts, actions, relationships…everything.

as I have faced this turning point in my life (and am still grappling with it), I feel blessed that after seriously contemplating door number 1, that I am gradually prying open door number 2.  even though I am just peeking around the door, I have already had many reassurances that the future will be a bright one, and I am readying myself for the plunge. 

part of this process is coming up with a new plan for my life.  if I can’t have control over the future, ie being able to ensure that it turn out exactly how I want, then what can I do?  that is the million dollar question I have been contemplating, and on my 3 hour drive home from wichita on sunday, I think I found my answer:

live simply & be obedient

I can control how I live.  I make choices about how much money to spend: what I eat, how I am entertained, clothes, furniture, etc.  I’ve always been excited to be a bargain shopper, enjoyed garage sales, and have never had a problem picking things up off the curb…but.  I still had an expectation of what a “grown-up” life should/would look like-   an expectation that I have unexpectedly struggled letting go of.  now that I face (perhaps) a lifetime of single parenthood which necessitates full time work and childcare, I want to make my money count even more than I did before.  I can accept that I have to work, even appreciate that I will be able to show my son the value of hard work, but I also want to show my darling that money and things are not what life is about.  when I get off work I don’t want our family activity to be spending money at Target, I want it to be fun at the park or baking bread together or repainting the dresser we are fixing up (fix it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without).  I want to my son to know that I think about what I spend our money on, that a nice camera is an investment in recording our moments together and other things (not going to go there!) are a waste, at least for us.  I think about living in our little fixer upper house and being happy, not because we have the most awesome house, but that we have what we need to meet our needs.  I like to think that a little house with a little garden, a dog, and friends to bbq with are all I really need.  of course, all I really need is Wesley and the means to support him.  anything else is gravy.

I can control my choices.  I can choose every day if I will do the things that I know will bring my sweet son and I happiness or I can take the easy way out.  sometimes I take the easy way out.  I’m not perfect, but I know that I need to be perfect for the little boy who watches and learns from everything I do.  and this isn’t “being hard on myself.”  I have goodly parents who set the example for me, who undoubtedly sacrificed and made choices based on what they were teaching their children.  I can do that too.  I can be obedient.  even when it is hard or inconvenient.  I can do it.  and I will be blessed.  but more importantly, wesley will learn, and he will be blessed.

it’s nice to have a plan again. 

hello loves,

i'm back!
got a new camera and filed for divorce, so it must be time to blog again.